What I Learned Since Graduating College
Spoiler alert, I’ve been stressed the whole time.
It’s been years since I graduated college with my Bachelor’s degree. At the time, I didn’t even want to go to the graduation. It didn’t feel like a big deal to me. Knowing that I had finally earned a degree was enough. I didn’t need the ceremony. But my parents did, so I went for them.
I had an idea of where my life was going to go from there, but that wasn’t based on where I wanted it to go, but rather what I was expected to do; that being graduate school. Not a single inch of my being wanted to pursue a graduate degree. In fact, I didn’t like school at all. I liked learning, but academia wasn’t for me. I had reached my limit. But the next big question was “What will I do next?” I don’t even remember how I came upon the idea of doing freelance writing. I guess it just crept on me gradually, but it felt right. And so, my journey began.
I did my research, I prepared and hoped for the best, but I was a nervous wreck. Freelance writing was so outside of anything I had ever done before. There weren’t any instructions or mentors guiding me, I had to figure it out for myself. It put me in a situation where I was forced to seek and wield my own power, and dare to believe in myself. It was uplifting, but felt terrifying. I could imagine the life and independence I wanted to work toward, but felt so blocked. You never really notice what’s holding you back until you try to expand to a new horizon. My choice to pursue writing provoked a deep need for change and healing within me. The path did not turn out the way I pictured, but then again when does it ever.
I spent years struggling to write, struggling to find a job in writing, struggling to trust myself and stressing out along the way. I was disappointed in myself and beat myself up over my lack of progress, but that wasn’t productive and didn’t get me anywhere. I worried everyday when I wasn’t productive enough, or would procrastinate the day away, but indulging in anxiety did nothing good for me. I needed an internal revolution. If I continued to operate how I always have, I wasn’t going to get anywhere. At the time, I thought the changes I needed to do was work more, write more, just do it, but there was a bigger picture I failed to see then. Now, years later and years wiser, I have a better understanding of why I had to go through all of it.
My Family
Sometimes there comes a point in your life when you realize that your family just isn’t capable of providing a certain level of emotional support that you’ve always needed. The older I get, the more aware I become of my family’s dysfunctional communication style and how it has affected me. In my life, I often operated with an unconscious intent to please my parents. Growing up, I never got what I needed from my parents emotionally, so, subconsciously, I sought out emotional validation through approval. In my mind, if they were happy with what I was doing then that meant I succeeded and I gained some validation from that. But this wasn’t healthy. Everytime I would make a decision that they didn’t agree with, I felt invalidated. Even if I desired it, I felt like a failure. I constantly questioned myself and felt anxious.
Pursuing a path that my parents didn’t fully understand brought me face to face with this issue. I now had to re-examine how I processed their comments and opinions regarding my life choices. I carried a very low tolerance for their critique because of dynamics that played out in my childhood, and so, their input brought up a lot of anger and resentment in me and I was forced to find a way to deal with it knowing that they most likely would not understand my point of view. It was the loneliest time of my life. I felt so misunderstood and unsupported emotionally, and that was the catalyst for me learning how to re-parent myself and grow into a healthier mindset. I chose to redirect my internal compass and keep moving forward.
Self-Sabotage
I wasn’t previously aware of my tendency to self-sabotage, but the lack of forward movement with my goals made it painfully obvious. My mind wanted to avoid the shameful feeling of failure before I even had a chance to try. I guess it was my mind’s way of protecting me from what it perceived to be an emotional threat, but all it really did was keep me stagnant and disappointed.
I had to learn to break the chains and believe in myself. I had to ask myself why I was getting in my own way. If I wanted this so bad, why was I sabotaging it? I learned that it all stemmed from fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, a lack of confidence in my own abilities, all of this influenced me in the most subtle of ways. For so long I couldn’t even see it.
These patterns only fed into my self-deprecating thoughts, and ultimately handicapped my creative expression. All my life I had always been a creative, imaginative person, but certain childhood wounds resulted in me being hypercritical of my work to the point that I restrict myself hugely. I had to overhaul my whole self-concept around my potential, and how I viewed my ability to overcome challenges. I learned to have enough compassion to allow myself to have trust in my own abilities and express myself freely. I gave space for myself to meet face to face with my inner creative child on my terms and let her know that it is safe for her to create, and that she is good enough.
How I Measured My Self-Worth
For most of my life I associated my self-worth with my productivity and output. Growing up I was often called ‘lazy’, and I think this created an association in my mind. I was called lazy, which made me feel worthless, so if I’m productive, then I’ll have worth. Now, with a new outlook on things, I see my ‘laziness’ with more nuance and depth. It was more about feelings of inadequacy, fearing failure and avoiding the emotional pain of not measuring up to a standard. For a lot of my life, I was very hard on myself for my lack of productivity. I felt a lot of shame over it. I didn’t want to treat myself like that anymore. I wanted to give myself more compassion. It sounds obvious to do, but for me this was a radical concept. Most of what I’ve received in life has been critique, so that became the internalized dialogue I gave to myself. So the concept of looking at all aspects of myself without judgement, shame or critique and to just have the compassion and patience to let myself just be, was revolutionary. As well as deeply healing.
It was the first time in my life I had looked at the narrative I was given since I was a child and said, “This is wrong. Comparing my productivity to others isn’t helpful. Talking badly about myself for not living up to a certain standard is not productive or healthy. I do deserve compassion.” Implementing this mindset however is a process in itself. I had believed that beating myself up over these things was the right way to respond, and now when I attempt to give myself any kind of patience or understanding, I feel like an idiot. I have to actively remember to show myself kindness. It’s sad, because it plainly illustrates how deep some of these wounds are, that being harsh toward myself feels more normal than being kind.
Despite all the struggles, these past few years have highlighted to me how fortunate I am. I have my health, my mind, and my family. Despite the emotional distance I felt with them at times, I still love them and had some genuine moments of joy. Even through all the turmoil and change, I still remain safe and secure which is a huge blessing in itself.
I changed a lot internally. Most people in my life probably wouldn’t have noticed, but I guess I don’t need them to. Maybe they’ll see it eventually. At this point all I know to be true is that I need to keep moving forward with my goals. I am remaining persistent and patient, and I’m loving myself along the way.
I guess in order to get where I want to be, I need to believe I can do it at all. And, I do.
